Miss you Amma

Miss you Amma, so very much

It’s exactly two months today since my mother passed.  She was nearing 87 years. The first three weeks  or so I really really missed her physical presence wishing I could hear her call me just one more time, I could hug her tight just one more time.

Now I find myself looking back sifting through a lifetime of memories………..



Our Family - Circa 1958

My relationship with my mother has always been special - as I’m sure it is for mothers and daughters everywhere.  When I was little I hated being without her even for brief periods. Then when I was not so little, I still loved cuddling up to her especially in bed at night. I remember I did not like to leave her and go to school though I was ten years old.

Through my teen and early work years even as I had all the ‘typical fun’ with friends I continued to enjoy being with mum. We talked and laughed a lot over silly things. We were both crazy about Hindi movies and would be in the movie hall on the release day of almost every new film.  We followed that up with a threadbare review of the film. If the hero was Shammi Kapoor (her all time favourite!) the discussions were even more animated. And then there was our shared love and reverence for Mohammad Rafi and his songs our absolute favourite topic of discussion.

Of course we had our disagreements and heated arguments. But I don’t remember ever feeling the urge to rebel or that I was ‘not understood’.  Looking back I am struck too by how easily my friends related to her. They would visit our home and happily chat with her for hours even if I was out. Depending on their interests she talked to them about the book she was reading, a music concert or a movie she had been to, or about her current favourite TV show or the latest political development. Sometimes they simply gossiped. She was well informed about happenings around the world. But her world was her family and her home. She wanted nothing more and nothing less.

When I announced I had met the man of my dreams and wanted to marry him I was amazed to see that she too wanted me to marry him as much as I wanted that. Then there came that incredible morning when our son, her first grandchild, was on his way into our world. It was earlier than early morning as she waited outside the labour room in the hospital with my dad and my husband. Suddenly a rat darted in and bit her foot which as you can imagine created quite a stir…….. but more because she refused to move from there for treatment till she knew I had safely delivered the baby!

As we both moved ahead in age and experience our relationship too evolved taking on the contours of our lives.  She was there whenever I needed her easily slipping into the role of grandmother. By now she had experienced her share of great joys and great grief but her grip on life did not waver. When my dad passed my brother and I, always somewhat protective of her, were now more so than ever. She began staying part of the year with him and part with me. 

She found her feet again cooking, listening to music, watching TV shows or reading. She found joy in the time spent with her grandchildren who had now grown way beyond the stories she’d read them when they were little.  She talked to them easily about things that interested them. And she now watched ‘Friends’, ‘Full House’ and even enjoyed sitting through MTV with them! She found happiness in the little joys that everyday life offered her.

It was about 5 years ago when I first realized my mother needed looking after. She had just come back from my brother’s home in Singapore to live with us in Bangalore. I found her disoriented. She also had difficulty balancing while walking despite the walker which she had started using a year back. Her eyesight was worsening. I hired a helper for the first time, initially just to come in if I needed to go out. From there on her physical disabilities increased and her mental faculties began to show signs of slowing down. She went through patches of dementia like symptoms, had seizures, almost total loss of vision. About a year and half back we rented an apartment for her and hired trained 24x7 home nurses with my brother and I taking turns to be with her.

 We did everything we could so she had a normal cheerful day, a comfortable routine. She started her day with light exercises and hot filter coffee in bed followed by “Suprabhatham” by “MS”. She then listened to the TV news before having a good hot bath. 
Every morning my brother or I chanted the "Hanuman Chalisa"
aloud for her and then read aloud the newspaper.
 
At different times in the day she listened to prayers or music through her ipod/ phone/DVD player. We got her to the dining table for all her meals and took her outside for ‘walks’ in her wheel chair every evening. Her day began and ended with warm hugs. We conversed with her and kept her informed about everything that was happening within the family and more generally. Her grandchildren skyped and facetimed with her. Gradually her responses became more sporadic, brief but then she would surprise us with a sudden lucid comment. 

During this period as our roles reversed completely I went through a multitude of emotions.
On many days I wondered how long she would struggle this way.
I now realize that in her struggling she had gifted me the experience of
unconditional love.                                                                                                                                  

It all came to an end in January when our family was in the midst of wedding preparations.  Both my daughter and son were getting married within a week of each other. So the entire family had gathered in Bangalore. Mum was admitted to hospital a week before for suspected stroke and we knew the end was near. We discussed with the doctors and debated between ourselves about moving her out of the ICU so we could be close to her at all times. This in effect meant pulling the plugs. It was an emotional call. But she made that decision for us as she signaled her final moments that evening…..

It seems to me she engineered the precise time of her passing. Coincidently, but perhaps not, my brother and I were both at her bedside holding her hands on either side as she slipped away from us.  I know she is at peace ……….……

                          

   but I miss you my dearest beloved Amma.................
......so very much.